I recall some of the things he said just from the beginning of the year...the night he passed..we had driven to charleston ..a town about 80 mile away which consisted of an hour and a half drive...Even on this drive ..things mentioned seemed ironic...Sitting here thinking about him..I was thinking of how he was talking about plane crashes ..He had never flown in a plane and was never going to according to him..but a remark he made was..."Would'nt it be terrible to be in a plane crash and know those last seconds ,,minutes were going to be your last and how a few minutes would seem like an eternity if it were your last minutes..I think of his last minutes...His next to last remark was.."I don't want to die", so in reality did he know he was going to?..I sure did'nt..I ,myself have gotten pains or scared myself into thinking something was happening to me but when i got to that point i went over to the emt station less then three miles away from where we live.or drove myself to the local emergency room. With Bob there was no telling him what to do..All my pleading and begging would'nt have mattered one iota if he did'nt want to go..Still does'nt keep me from wondering over and over why he never said anything...did he or did he not know...guess i'll never know either..just him and God..I have to keep thinking of the way he thought...When it is your turn to go...its your turn to go ..no matter what...and you arent going to live a day longer then whats its written down when you come into this world.We had conversed about this subject before too.Another thing was the day before he died he said.."I hope God does'nt hold anything against me when I die..cause i've really been a good guy..have'nt robbed,,killed..cheated or stole..just the little things he said makes me wonder at times....At this date and time ..I guess it really does'nt matter much...It's just the thinking part.I think ,,I think, I think, lately I don't know what to think...cause i stay mostly ticked off and mad cause he's gone and left me here to deal with everything by myself..Winter's coming ..and the seasons have gone from spring to almost winter with his passing.So much to do...One thing I do realize is how much I depended on him even for little things....things which ive had to learn to do or deal with myself...Sometimes its a tear jerker knowing you are on your own..I can take the quiet..the knowing your alone...It's the feeling of knowing that the other half will never be here again at any time to reach out to or to have help....I'm glad you only have to go through this once cause i have no intentions of getting involved with someone for this to happen again....Nothing worse then the pain of a heart ache...I still miss my big guy and my caring mate and my love for him ....and his for me...I never knew lonely til his passing...We once talked of whether you would want death or divorce.He always said death ..I said divorce...I looked at it like in divorce...your feelings were you would like to kill them anyway so you didnt have a heart ache in their leaving...he would say death because he said in divorce .if you loved them ..and they were still out there running around ..it would slowly kill you...we looked at everything so different in prospect..If only he knew how final death is and the toll it is taking on me..He would opt for divorce ,,i'm sure..I would......R.I.P MY LOVING SOULMATE..I MISS YOU TERRIBLY.
