four months gone

Here it is...four months gone by.. Some times I still have to stop and think that he is gone..that I will no longer hear him calling my name...Moose...I can still hear his deep voice now...sometimes into the still wee hours of the morning hollering up the stair well ..asking me if I am alright...because I was still up..and he happened to get up to get a drink or wander to the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning. Now, I can comprehend that he is not here. I think the hardest part was not getting any phone calls through the day (just calling to make sure I was alright) when he was working or waiting on the call to tell me what he wanted to eat or he was going to pick up a pizza from Romano's, the pizza place in Nelsonville where he worked, being these were homemade crusts and made the way you wanted it.My pieces would have the olives,mushrooms,onions and all the extras I could add on.
For a while ..watching the clock and knowing 5:30 was the time he would be calling and deciding what we were going to do for dinner and then time up to bedtime was spent watching the News,Bonanza, Andy Griffith, or Cash In The Attic. Pawn Stars and American Pickers were two of his favorite shows...
By 9 o'clock he was on his way downstairs to bed having to get up at 4:30 a.m. for work,whereas I would set up to the wee hours of the morning ,most usually on the computer...
In the mornings when I got up, the coffee would be  waiting and the meat for breakfast fixed where all I had to do was fry the eggs to go with them..Yes,I guess I was a little spoiled in Bob doing everything
for me..and I notice it even more when I have to multi-task and get everything done..
I went on a beach trip a week ago and my sister and her husband stayed three days with us then I came home and thought I had better get strarted on trying to clean out the basement.Beach trip will be on at a later time..
Monday ,I attempted to start on the downstairs,,,the place where
Bob stayed..With winter coming I had best get figuring on what kind of heat I'm going to have for winter as I do not have the wood cutter now which was our previous source of heat.
The train room he had made out of the big bedroom downstairs was where I chose to start..With prybar,hammer and drill in hand I proceeded to tear down his cherished train table..As each board came up ,tears came to my eyes as I remember how much time and money  he had invested in this train track that he so loved..What took time and years of working on to put together , I had tore down within a day.I wondered amongst ridding of his track,,what he would be doing if it would have been me to go first and he had to clean up after me..to dispose of my collectibles as I was doing his..For one,,my Bob would have never been able to do it..I beleive as much as I relied on him for things to be done around here..he would not have been able to handle the idea of  being alone.Bob was not a socialable guy but he was'nt a loner either...and knowing I was around was enough.
I reorganied the train room into a room I think Petey and the girls will have a place to play..On one side of the room,is a glass door cabinet that will hold things that Bob made or had..His homemade knife case is all cleaned up and holds all his paintings, and whittlings.Petey will have the honors of placing what he wants of Bob's things in this cabinet and on his shelf..The downstairs still holds items of Bob's and is just memories of him and what we want to remember about him.We,now know..we have to look ahead..have to take care of ourselves when we are here together..I now know,,how much time and work it takes to take care of 12 acres of land that has a big yard and tackle whatever comes along without the help of my Bob..Every day I miss him and memories are everywhere of him and with each passing day , I realize,,he's not coming  back,,I need to go on and take care  of the house he built for us..the home we shared for almost 20 years, if not for me,for him, knowing that is what he would want me to do...The past four months has been so mindboggling trying to handle affairs and getting  things done before winter time comes...My life was changed 4 months ago and still continues to change with each passing day.