remembering you on your birthday.......

The months have slowly or quickly at times moved on...I have been so involved with outside projects that needed to be done before winter now that Bob is not here and I am left to see that they get done..

Today would have been my big guys birthday...never thought he wouldnt be here to celebrate it....It disgusts me when I think of him not being here as he would have only been 55 today...way too young to leave this world...He had so many things lined up that he was going to start or finish..Now..everything is left undone and I'm slowly beginning to get everything back in order...water,,driveway..wood stove are all ready and done..only thing left is the itty bitty wet spots on my water pipes..

I posted this post in memory of my Bob as today is his birthday..I hope hes singing with the angels and catching my mom up on everything...It is so heart breaking to know hes not ever going to be here again...I can still recall the last night he was here on earth...wanting me to hold his hand before he died....his hands were huge but gentle...my gentle giant...I can never forget the trials and tribulations we have gone through....mostly being here for each other............you were one of a kind..i cannot begin to sum up all you were and what you meant to me..I guess we took each other for granted knowing we were here for each other..............noone cared like you did..I will one day blog a little more detail of our togetherness..for right now........I can only say ,,,it will never be the same with him gone...........seems like ..you never realize until its too late how much someone or something means to you...I know what i've lost..

Happy Birthday Bob...I miss you so much..and think of you daily..........................loving you and having you in my life will leave a big void now that you are not here.......you were always here for me.........being alone sucks....

Premonitions

It's almost been six months since the man in the house has died....all i can say is.....noone can say or even know what its like if they have'nt experienced it first hand...i sometimes think if he had an inkling that he was'nt going to be around much longer or to live a long life like we all assume we will be doing things would have been different.
I recall some of the things he said just from the beginning of the year...the night he passed..we had driven to charleston ..a town about 80 mile away which consisted of an hour and a half drive...Even on this drive ..things mentioned seemed ironic...Sitting here thinking about him..I was thinking of how he was talking about plane crashes ..He had never flown in a plane and was never going to according to him..but a remark he made was..."Would'nt it be terrible to be in a plane crash and know those last seconds ,,minutes were going to be your last and how a few minutes would seem like an eternity if it were your last minutes..I think of his last minutes...His next to last remark was.."I don't want to die", so in reality did he know he was going to?..I sure did'nt..I ,myself have gotten pains or scared myself into thinking something was happening to me but when i got to that point i went over to the emt station less then three miles away from where we live.or drove myself to the local emergency room. With Bob there was no telling him what to do..All my pleading and begging would'nt have mattered one iota if he did'nt want to go..Still does'nt keep me from wondering over and over why he never said anything...did he or did he not know...guess i'll never know either..just him and God..I have to keep thinking of the way he thought...When it is your turn to go...its your turn to go ..no matter what...and you arent going to live a day longer then whats its written down when you come into this world.We had conversed about this subject before too.Another thing was the day before he died he said.."I hope God does'nt hold anything against me when I die..cause i've really been a good guy..have'nt robbed,,killed..cheated or stole..just the little things he said makes me wonder at times....At this date and time ..I guess it really does'nt matter much...It's just the thinking part.I think ,,I think, I think, lately I don't know what to think...cause i stay mostly ticked off and mad cause he's gone and left me here to deal with everything by myself..Winter's coming ..and the seasons have gone from spring to almost winter with his passing.So much to do...One thing I do realize is how much I depended on him even for little things....things which ive had to learn to do or deal with myself...Sometimes its a tear jerker knowing you are on your own..I can take the quiet..the knowing your alone...It's the feeling of knowing that the other half will never be here again at any time to reach out to or to have help....I'm glad you only have to go through this once cause i have no intentions of getting involved with someone for this to happen again....Nothing worse then the pain of a heart ache...I still miss my big guy and my caring mate and my love for him ....and his for me...I never knew lonely til his passing...We once talked of whether you would want death or divorce.He always said death ..I said divorce...I looked at it like in divorce...your feelings were you would like to kill them anyway so you didnt have a heart ache in their leaving...he would say death because he said in divorce .if you loved them ..and they were still out there running around ..it would slowly kill you...we looked at everything so different in prospect..If only he knew how final death is and the toll it is taking on me..He would opt for divorce ,,i'm sure..I would......R.I.P MY LOVING SOULMATE..I MISS YOU TERRIBLY.

four months gone

Here it is...four months gone by.. Some times I still have to stop and think that he is gone..that I will no longer hear him calling my name...Moose...I can still hear his deep voice now...sometimes into the still wee hours of the morning hollering up the stair well ..asking me if I am alright...because I was still up..and he happened to get up to get a drink or wander to the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning. Now, I can comprehend that he is not here. I think the hardest part was not getting any phone calls through the day (just calling to make sure I was alright) when he was working or waiting on the call to tell me what he wanted to eat or he was going to pick up a pizza from Romano's, the pizza place in Nelsonville where he worked, being these were homemade crusts and made the way you wanted it.My pieces would have the olives,mushrooms,onions and all the extras I could add on.
For a while ..watching the clock and knowing 5:30 was the time he would be calling and deciding what we were going to do for dinner and then time up to bedtime was spent watching the News,Bonanza, Andy Griffith, or Cash In The Attic. Pawn Stars and American Pickers were two of his favorite shows...
By 9 o'clock he was on his way downstairs to bed having to get up at 4:30 a.m. for work,whereas I would set up to the wee hours of the morning ,most usually on the computer...
In the mornings when I got up, the coffee would be  waiting and the meat for breakfast fixed where all I had to do was fry the eggs to go with them..Yes,I guess I was a little spoiled in Bob doing everything
for me..and I notice it even more when I have to multi-task and get everything done..
I went on a beach trip a week ago and my sister and her husband stayed three days with us then I came home and thought I had better get strarted on trying to clean out the basement.Beach trip will be on at a later time..
Monday ,I attempted to start on the downstairs,,,the place where
Bob stayed..With winter coming I had best get figuring on what kind of heat I'm going to have for winter as I do not have the wood cutter now which was our previous source of heat.
The train room he had made out of the big bedroom downstairs was where I chose to start..With prybar,hammer and drill in hand I proceeded to tear down his cherished train table..As each board came up ,tears came to my eyes as I remember how much time and money  he had invested in this train track that he so loved..What took time and years of working on to put together , I had tore down within a day.I wondered amongst ridding of his track,,what he would be doing if it would have been me to go first and he had to clean up after me..to dispose of my collectibles as I was doing his..For one,,my Bob would have never been able to do it..I beleive as much as I relied on him for things to be done around here..he would not have been able to handle the idea of  being alone.Bob was not a socialable guy but he was'nt a loner either...and knowing I was around was enough.
I reorganied the train room into a room I think Petey and the girls will have a place to play..On one side of the room,is a glass door cabinet that will hold things that Bob made or had..His homemade knife case is all cleaned up and holds all his paintings, and whittlings.Petey will have the honors of placing what he wants of Bob's things in this cabinet and on his shelf..The downstairs still holds items of Bob's and is just memories of him and what we want to remember about him.We,now know..we have to look ahead..have to take care of ourselves when we are here together..I now know,,how much time and work it takes to take care of 12 acres of land that has a big yard and tackle whatever comes along without the help of my Bob..Every day I miss him and memories are everywhere of him and with each passing day , I realize,,he's not coming  back,,I need to go on and take care  of the house he built for us..the home we shared for almost 20 years, if not for me,for him, knowing that is what he would want me to do...The past four months has been so mindboggling trying to handle affairs and getting  things done before winter time comes...My life was changed 4 months ago and still continues to change with each passing day.

He's Gone

It's amazing how you take life for granted and the people in it...I never thought my life would be as changed as what it has been since a month ago.

It's one thing dealing with the death of the other person you shared your life and home with for almost 20 years and another having to deal with the insensitive  people who sit on the sidelines,,,,,and want to bask in telling a concocted  version of what they want to ASSUME  happened or what should have been done or ""if"" this would have been done ..spewing out their venom and from unreliable sources that they would have never beleived anything they said before....unaccountable people....all thriving off one brain cell with nothing better to do then prey on someone that has lost a loved one..

I only know that my Bob was never sick as far as having heart problems...yes he had high bp and that was the only medicine he took....A week before he complained of what he ate "doing a job or tearing up his stomach " as he referred to it..never once before or during his death did he ever mention chest pains to me..I shouldnt have to explain my story but to the ones that dont know the real story...this is the story that was told at his funeral by me..and before his funeral and still being told ...not the one that was carefully fabricated by a very vindictive person that carefully told it as they wanted it to be...
I spent my morning in town getting taxes done...Bob,on the other hand had went out to work..the weather was a mixture of cold rain ..stopping and starting so much..that the construction company he worked for sent him home...He stopped at his sisters house coming home..we all fiddled around trying to get skype set up on our computers.....I headed on to town..He called me several times..the last one wanting to know if I wanted to go to the dog tracks in charleston...I really didnt want to go ..but I am so glad I did knowing this was the last thing we did together that he wanted to do and enjoyed doing...
I picked up the bare necessities ..bread..milk..eggs knowing our plans may be changed by the time I made the 25 mile trip home.Upon arriving home ...he was ready to head out to Charleston..
We spent the evening in the casino....stopping around 8 or so to grab a bite to eat...After losing our money ....as usual....we headed home a few minutes after 10...We arrived home around 11:30...I followed him through the basement door..something I dont normally do and headed up to my familiar surroundings and computer upstairs.

At 15 til 12 he came upstairs..grabbed a bag of doritos,,cookies and pop and headed downstairs.....I remarked ..You eating again...He said yep..and proceeded back downstairs saying .."I will see you in the morning..""Little did I know how within the next 4 hours it would be the most horrible time of my life.."....I did not as recanted by the mighty one find him "dead in the chair by morning".

I talked on pc to my girlfriend and headed to bed by 2:01....Sometime after that..I never looked at a clock.Bob came upstairs and came into the bedroom and said "I hate to bother you but this is the worst pain Ive ever had " and wanted to know if he could lay down with me..He layed down at the foot of the bed and I asked him why he was laying at the foot....He asked me to cover him up..I did so...then he wanted to know if I would get him a wet facecloth because he was sweating..I never in all honestly even thought it was nothing but heartburn ..acid reflux..indigestion or something close to that as I suffer from these pains as well and always have to lie down with them..I reminded Bob of how I had those and always had to lie down...at the same time asking him if he wanted me to call the squad or take him to the emergency room.I remarked to him that he better go see his doctor in the morning...from there until the time he died was one sheer nightmare for me....I shall never forget the event that unfolded and took him from me that night...I'm not asking for sympathy from anyone..I'm just asking that the evil people I know that are basking in using their one brain cell to gloat over a death to keep their unimportant evil cutting remarks to themselves and please don't try to reappear in my life again....The remarks were not only slams against me but against Bob as well.....Their little informants should have gotten the stories straight instead of adding to them....and if they wanted to know,, all they had to do was ask...I would have gladly told them the truth and nothing but...This post was mainly to clarify how Bob's death bought out the best ...or the worst in some people....I shall never forget nor want to forget the man that built a house for me..gave unselfishly everything to me and was my life for 20 years.....I'm selfish in one way because I beleive a man of so many talents and never ending multitasking should have stayed around for many more years to come to share his abilities with those less fortunate...I will always remember the good..the bad and the life we had together...No one has the perfect life without flaws ..thus was ours but we overcame the odds and being the second time for both of us...we were together and were here for each other..Soon I will post some happy memories but the hurt is still here and it continues to be....Somtimes you dont realize how much you have lost until its taken from you...He was and will always be my gentle giant and my big Bob.I love and miss him more then anything....R.I.P. and since this is Fathers Day...Happy Father's Day....

Back to the future or present..in memory of Todd Yelton

Before this day escapes me...I would like to remember a once was nephew that left us all too soon....Today would have been your birthday Todd..turning 41 ..the same age as my son...My son was suppose to be born on this day..the 11th but an early arrival made him 4 days older then you...I didn't know you..not until you were an additive to the family and spending the hours with you that on occasion was when we were together for a family get together....
Today,,,I remember you on this day....as if you were here being a year older....and hating the thought that you are gone...leaving all too soon a world that you must have perceived as where you didnt want to be...that the trials and tribulations here was too much for you to bear...I hope that you are at peace now....
Thinking of you with fond memories on this day ,hoping your family is not remembering you with sadness but as of a human being that was once among us.....
Happy Birthday and rest in peace Todd..You are remembered and missed...love you

Going back to sept 2010

I was thinking about my blog site and decided i would go  back and read my blogs...I had actually forgot what fun i had when i first started writing a blog..It was just the jotting of some of the daily events happening in my life and meant to be a plesant source of reading if someone stumbled across it by means or by accident....I see the difference in the way i wrote and the happy times i was writing about content with my life and the happenings in it...
I have actually thought about deleting all blogs i have written since last sept ..the day of the tornado...That was then.this is now....all except one or two of the blogs i have written since then have been i've noticed in reference to happenings on facebook or within some friends and family which compelled me to write them ..Now i realize..that is not me..that is not the carefree blogs i was posting about life in general..i have found that removing,deleting or ignoring these threats that have created turmoil in my life have released a lot of negative thoughts and comments from me..therefore i have ..after reading my first blogs decided that i liked the old me instead of the present...i know you are not suppose to think about the past but in this case the present is not the person i was or wanted to be...so i'm going back in time ,,to the old me....
Once upon a time....i spoke about the hundred acre woods...minus 88...now the woods are a little bigger..going to somewhere around 42...the addition was brought on from the man in the house's deceased parents....the newly acquired acreage increased our 12....to 42..I really can't say ours because the additional acreage is really his and will one day be passed on to his children which I hope is many years from now....still we are in the rolling hills of ohio..being able to see the lights of belpre almost 20 miles away because of the hill we live on.Oh those wva hills....I love my home in ohio but over there in west va lives the heart of this country girl..I started this blog as a country girl and i still am.......regardless of what people think...I have from here on decided i was going to go back to my happy dumb little posts instead of the ones that were posted as defensive posts..why post them when its easier to ignore the predators that lie in wait and watch knowing they are always there and always will be.
enough said...starting anew........please stand by for different posts....enough said

Full weekend

Another beautiful weekend in southeast ohio....So many decisions on what to do..Original plan was to go with preachers wife to a womans conference but tickets sold out before we could get the second one as I was late in letting her know..

Lots of organizations in town having annual white or yard sales as we call them..debated on hitting a few  of them then going on to take the little one to the Easter parade as this was the second year for the parade and weather would have  been perfect...decided I had enough clutter as some people call my house decorations so I elected not to add more..That was an easy one to elminate but I do love garage sales...I just don't need to go ..need to have one myself..in saying so ...I can honostly say I've never had one..I just donate to Salvation army..

Instead ..we opted to go to my gr-nephews birthday party which in retrospect would be brother Bob's grandson in case I lost anyone other then myself in deciphering that...

As kids do...they had a blast in the order of birthday cake..present opening..then hitting the outside to play amidst dodging rain drops or showers at times..
I along with a neighbor was the only adults there....I felt sorry for the gr-parents that could'nt make it as they missed seeing all the action but I guess it was to their liking that they chose not to come...for some reason or another...


After the party we came home and the motorcyles were out roaring thru the yard..while I scampered out to feed the animals...darn wabbits still holed up under the building..

On to Sunday..I usually call funday cause the gr-girls are here..After eating and opening late birthday presents we decided to make a cheesecake..not very appealing to look at but it was consumed in a  few hours..It took 3 cooks to make it ..me being the supervisor.....lol...but they did good...had to think last nite ..which I still don"t know or even want to know whether any hands were washed..If not..I sure was'nt going to tell...and did'nt.

In about an hour fella drove up and I hesitantly gave away two little bunnies and two bigger bunnies....assuming they were going to a new home to be used as pets instead of ending up in a skillet which I think may have been the original reason for buying...Don't even want to know cause I could'nt think of eating my wabbits no matter how hungry I am..Too late now..but I don't want to know the fate of those four...so now I have ...eh,....18 or 19 to pawn off..think i will run an add in local paper and sell cheap ..that way if someone eats them at least I didnt freebie their life into it....

After the bunnys departed we ventured back in the house to eat the cheese cake that all the little chefs had throwed together,,for as bad as it looked ..it was soon all gone...around here...don't matter whether its pretty or not...we are'nt perfect and thats what I told these three,,,It don't have to be pretty just good to eat...It was..It's gone....

Now we are back to the outside..It is so windy that you have to have a jacket on because its a brisk wind.....My girls don't last too long on the outside....Don't quite understand that ..They live in the country but you'd think they were from the city...They like the indoors better...no heat..no wind..no bugs they say...laughing here cause I'm just the opposite

By 5 o'clock..the house is back to one 9 year old and us....and lots of dishes ..I can't even begin to do dishes or clean up kitchen when they are here because the 9 yr old heads to the computer and the 5 year old wants to go out on trampoline...Now seeing this gr-ma on a trampoline is a little frightening when I can't even stand up on solid ground....but my hours with them here are spent with what they want to do...so out we went..
After getting tired of jumping,,these five year ol was wearing her gr-ma out..we decided to play Simon says on the trampoline......that was beginning to fizzle out when the wabbit collector made his appearance.....just in time...after wabbits were collected we set up an electronic bowling game...after that got boring I was instructed to go out to my building and get the kids swing that I concocted to put on my porch so I did'nt have to take my previous swinging babies out in the yard...ahh babies love to swing..I do know that....Heck..I do too..

Another fun filled weekend in my neck of the woods.....Mondays here..the beginning of the start to another Sunday.One more thing... Guess I'd better not forget to add grammas birthday gifts..I told my girls to get me an easy brush....No, they did'nt want to do that..I had a new one here last week and I said just give this to me so they would'nt have to spend money...but the little one said...We don't want to give you an easy brush...And we can't give you something you already know we have..It's suppose to be a present....Well,,,now I could'nt begin to argue with a five year old's thinking...That might be above my level..Not really but I know a few I could compare it too.....So the above pics is what I got amongs listening to them trying to figure out who got me what....lol..Enough said on this blog...off laughing  on their musings.... and to wash a load of clothes before the storm hits...